badposting WittyProfileName2 • 1w ago • 100%

I've solved Aliens, no need to thank me.

Little green men, greys, spacemen, the reptilians that sneak inside at night to piss your bed. Whatever you call them, for a long time now people have been captivated with tales of travelers from other worlds. Reports of extraterrestrial life exists varying from the unconvincing to the slightly less unconvincing. With such questions of otherworldly beings plaguing the minds of people for so long, it seems it the mantle has fallen to me once more to smart brain my way through this and solve aliens once and for all. To this end I have read through a staggering two reported alien sightings, and from my studies have drawn a shocking conclusion. Hang close to me friends, we're in for a wild ride. **Case 1 - The Flatwoods Monster**  In 1952 in the town of Flatwoods, West Virginia, USA, Earth, three boys said they saw some object streak down from the sky and crash into a field of a local farm. They told their mother, who accompanied them out this field alongside a member of the West Virginian National Guard. As the group crested a hill, they became aware of movement and a pulsing red light. Turning their torches into the woods they saw something that shocked them to their core. A creature with a hood-like face, bright yellow eyes, and tiny, taloned hands. Now the obvious answer here is that they saw an owl perching on a tree (see below) and in their panicked minds filled in the blanks for them. Either way, they didn't hang around long enough to find out.  "Oh wise one," you cry, "Even one as intelligent as you cannot solve such a vast mystery on the back of one mere event." You are correct, which is why ~~skimmed wikipedia~~ read exhaustively about a second sighting. **Case 2 - The Hopkinsville Goblin**  In 1955, five adults from a farm just outside Hopkinsville, Kentucky, USA, Earth, arrived at a police station requesting help. They claimed they had spent almost four hours fending off a number of yellow eyed, 2ft tall, horned creatures that had been peaking through the windows of their farmhouse. Seventeen police officers arrived at the scene of the battle, but found only evidence of the gunshots the terrified farmers had let off. The great horned owl, is about 2ft tall, and has head plumage that resembles a pair of horns. They are found all over the Americas, and can get pretty aggressive if disturbed. "It was owls all along?" you, a fool, ask. You are blind to something much more sinister afoot. Owls are not being mistaken for extraterrestrials. Owls are extraterrestrials. What better way to scout Earth and pry for our weaknesses than to take loftily to the sky and observe from above. Is not a bird's eye view essential for getting the lay of the land. You worry that I am stretching too far, you worry that I am missing the obvious truth here. You doubt me. Well I broke into the secretive Area 52 and I have found incontestable proof that I am right, and you are stinky.  I rest my case. The question now, is what must be done. For all I know, there may be owls amongst us. The invasion may well have already begun. Perhaps by making you aware of this I have placed you all in danger. Watch your back my friends, but also the sky.

badposting WittyProfileName2 • 4w ago • 100%

I've solved The Mary Celeste, no need to thank me.

Ok losers, just in case you don't know about The Mary Celeste was here's some background: In October the 20th 1872, a boat named The Mary Celeste set sail from New York to Genoa. The next time anyone would see it, it was adrift and crewless. No sign of a struggle, food still half eaten on plates, and the only lifeboat gone. Lesser minds have spent centuries trying to figure out what happened, and debate amongst themselves incessantly. But I woke up this morning and decided to have a whack at it and I think I've solved it. Now, like me, your first conclusion may be that the boat got sick of the crew's shit and told the crew to leave, but those ivory tower intellectuals insist that boats can't speak and I must begrudgingly defer to their judgement. Now, I have never set foot on a boat but since I've read Treasure Island (well, most of it (some of it (a couple of small excerpts))) I think I have a pretty clear idea of what went on in boats of this era and thus can finally solve the mystery. Ok, so in the before times, when youths weren't skibbying toilets on their tockticks, the key role of a child was to hide in an apple barrel so they could observe Long John Silver planning a mutiny. My theory is this: the captain and crew were below decks, eating their dinner and waxing nostalgic about their life on the high seas. One of them (I don't know which one) brings up hiding in an apple barrel sending the rest of them cascading backwards down memory road. "I bet I could still fit in an apple barrel!" One yells. "Could not!" Yells another. Before you know it, everyone is up on deck trying to fit inside barrels (smaller ones than they're used to since the sole cargo was a 1,700 barrels of alcohol). Unfortunately since they all squeezed into their respective barrels at the same time (to see who could do it quicker) they all got trapped within the barrels. It's at that point a particularly strong gust of wind caused the boat to list starboard causing them to all fall into the lifeboat, which unable to support the weight of an entire crew plus barrels, snapped from its moorings and plunged into the ocean below. I believe this is the mostly likely course of events and both smugly and patiently await my Nobel Prize in big brain having.

the_dunk_tank WittyProfileName2 • 8mo ago • 100%

I know YouTube comments are low hanging fruit but...

 "Liberal elections are like my hecking Star Wars." (Ironically, they're right 'cos Jedi were centrist tools ideologically unable to tackle any systemic inequality in the Republic's liberal hegemony.) Edit: don't know how to link specific YouTube comments, but it was in the comments of [this](https://m.youtube.com/watch?feature=shared&v=a4kypLsnoqM) video.

the_dunk_tank WittyProfileName2 • 10mo ago • 98%

New tagline dropped

TFW I'm not applauded as an ally by the transpeople I'm actively misgendering.

games WittyProfileName2 • 1y ago • 100%

Project Zomboid and suburban hell

In my free time I've been playing a bit of Project Zomboid recently and stumbling 'round the McMansions of KY's various towns has made me think about how inherently hostile suburban infrastructure is. Like, until you can get a car in working order, travel out of and through the suburbs is slow and tiring. Prepare to take days out of your travel time as you run down empty roads, hop fences, and do all sorts of other things I hear gets you shot in the US. As the power goes off and perishables begin rapidly decomposing, you are trapped in a maze-like prison of mankind's making (its occupants only marginally less hostile than a real-life suburb). Seeds are scarce and the only greenery is the copy-paste lawns surrounding you in every direction. If you've thought ahead you've stockpiled your tinned goods, otherwise prepare for a long hike through a world not built for man but instead the machines that they convinced themselves would make their lives easier.

chapotraphouse WittyProfileName2 • 1y ago • 100%

Now look what you've done!

Look how sad he is!  Obligatory cum edit.

chapotraphouse3 WittyProfileName2 • 1y ago • 100%

When a post gets deleted does that make it a post-post?

Any thoughts?

There was, like, a stall with this person handing them out.

the_dunk_tank WittyProfileName2 • 3y ago • 100%

Just when I think libs have hit their peak...

"Such a shame guys. We were *totally* going to do something about climate change eventually, but then Putin invaded Ukraine."